Dear Santou

Dear Santou,

I was recently diagnosed with cancer, and I’m struggling to come to terms with it. I’m 42 and have a loving husband and an eight your old child. The diagnosis has turned my world upside down, and I feel overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty – not only for my future but my child’s future without me to guide her. I’ve always dreamed of raising a child and this doesn’t seem fair.

I’m finding it hard to focus on anything, especially at work. And I feel disconnected from my usual support systems, such as my family and work colleagues because they don’t seem to understand how scared I am. They just dismiss my concerns with ‘cheer up’ platitudes. I guess they are in denial and don’t want to consider the possibility that I may not be around for much longer.

I feel lonely in this experience because no one is willing to have an honest conversation with me where the outcome won’t be so cheery.

How can I cope with this diagnosis and find some peace amidst the chaos in my mind and life?

Sincerely,
Terrified, 42, California

Dear Terrified,

I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Facing cancer is incredibly challenging, and it’s completely natural to feel overwhelmed and scared. Here are some steps you can take to help you cope and find some peace during this difficult time:

1. Seek Support: Connect with loved ones who can offer emotional support. Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or a therapist with experience of working with cancer or End-of-Life patients who can provide a listening ear and understanding, such as www.griefsupport.co/

2. Educate Yourself and Others Around You: Knowledge can be empowering. Learn about your specific type of cancer and the treatment options available to you. This can help you feel more in control of your situation. Share this info with others in your family or work community because they may not know how to support you. Here is a free resource that you can pass on to them to help them understand the process and how they can support you – www.griefsupport.co/hope/

3. Take Care of Your Body: Focus on maintaining a healthy lifestyle by eating nutritious foods, staying active as much as you can, walking frequent in nature, such as your local park, and getting enough rest. Your body needs to be as strong as possible to fight the cancer.

4. Join a Support Group: Sharing your experiences with others who are going through similar struggles can be incredibly comforting. Consider joining a cancer support group where you can connect and talk with others facing the same challenges.

5. Consider A Therapeutic Writing: If you don’t fancy the idea of talking in a group, consider joining a cancer or health loss writing group. Writing can be a powerful tool for processing emotions and finding clarity. There is a health loss writing group membership that I am aware of which offers a unique opportunity to cope with your diagnosis through writing, and sharing with others is optional.

You can find out more here – tiny1.org/scwriting

Taking part in such a group could provide you with emotional relief and a sense of community, helping you navigate through this difficult journey with more support and understanding.

Remember, it’s important to be gentle and kind to yourself and take things one day at a time. Your feelings are valid and provide an important source of information. Seeking out resources and support can make a significant difference.

Best of wishes,
Santou

Dear Santou,

My 12-year-old daughter spends almost all her free time on her phone or tablet, playing games and chatting with friends. I feel like we’re losing our connection because she rarely wants to engage in family activities or even talk to us.

On multiple occasions, I have asked her to get ready to go out. I gave her plenty of lead time to get ready and trusted her to do so, while I attended to other things in order to leave the house. I’ve tried setting limits, but it always ends in arguments and resentment.

How can I help her spend less time on her devices and reconnect with our family?

Sincerely,
Disconnected Parent
47, IOWA

Dear Disconnected Parent,

It’s a common concern in today’s digital age, and you’re not alone in feeling this way. Striking a balance between screen time and family time can be challenging, but it’s definitely possible.

Have you heard of the phrase “connection before correction?” I’m a big believer in it. Here are some strategies to help you reconnect with your daughter and manage her screen usage more effectively:

Strategy 1: Rekindle Past Connections

Remind Them of Happy Memories:

1. Revisit Old Activities: Remind your daughter of how she used to love connecting with you as a younger child by asking her to do similar or related activities you used to enjoy together. This can re-ignite happy memories and make her more open to listening to your concerns about her screen time.

2. Create New Traditions: Adapt these activities to suit her current interests and establish new family traditions that can become special for both of you.

Strategy 2: Express Your Feelings and Invite Participation in the Conversation

Communicate Feelings Within a Conversation:

1. Express Your Emotions: Don’t be afraid to tell your daughter that you miss her, miss her presence in the common rooms of the house, and miss the good times you used to have together. This can help her understand the emotional impact of her excessive screen time.

2. Invite Her Input: Ask her if she would like to have more good times together and seek her opinion on how the two of you (and the wider family, if applicable) can create more meaningful moments together.

3. Communicate Openly: Have an open, heart-to-heart conversation with your daughter about your concerns. Explain why you think it’s important to limit screen time and the benefits of engaging in other activities. Listen to her perspective on why she thinks it is important to spend time on her device and try to find a compromise that works for both of you.

Strategy 3: Schedule Quality Family Time

Plan Regular Activities:

1. Create Enjoyable Family Time: Plan regular family activities that everyone can enjoy, like game nights, outdoor adventures, or cooking together. Make these times special and enjoyable to encourage your daughter to participate.

2. Establish Family Rituals: Set up regular tech-free family rituals, like weekly walks or Sunday dinners. These rituals can help strengthen your bond and create a routine that doesn’t involve screens.

3. Encourage Other Interests: Help your daughter discover and develop hobbies or interests that don’t involve screens. This could include sports, music, art, reading, or other activities that she might find engaging and fulfilling.

Strategy 4: Creating Boundaries

1. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish and enforce clear rules about screen time. For example, no devices during meals, homework time, or family activities. Consistency is key, so make sure everyone in the household, including adults, follows these rules.

2. Create Screen-Free Zones: Designate certain areas of your home as screen-free zones, such as the dining room or bedrooms. This can help encourage more face-to-face interactions and ensure that screens don’t dominate every part of your lives.

Strategy 5: Getting Creative While Problem Solving

1. Educational Use: Encourage the use of devices for educational purposes. Find educational games, apps, and programs that can provide both learning and entertainment. This can help shift some screen time towards productive use. If your child likes graphic design, then you could set up a free account of Canva for them to learn a skill while having fun and being creative in choosing designs, playing with color snd fonts, etc.

2. Use Screen Time Management Tools: Many devices have built-in features that allow parents to monitor and limit screen time. Utilize these tools to help manage her usage without having to constantly intervene.

Strategy 6: Getting Support in Navigating New Territory

1. Seek Professional Help if Needed: If you find that your daughter’s screen usage is affecting her school performance, social life, or mental health, consider seeking advice from a professional, such as a counselor or therapist.

Balancing screen time with other aspects of life can be difficult, but with patience and persistence, you can help your daughter develop healthier habits and strengthen your family connection.

Best of wishes,
Santou