Dear Santou,

My 12-year-old daughter spends almost all her free time on her phone or tablet, playing games and chatting with friends. I feel like we’re losing our connection because she rarely wants to engage in family activities or even talk to us.

On multiple occasions, I have asked her to get ready to go out. I gave her plenty of lead time to get ready and trusted her to do so, while I attended to other things in order to leave the house. I’ve tried setting limits, but it always ends in arguments and resentment.

How can I help her spend less time on her devices and reconnect with our family?

Sincerely,
Disconnected Parent
47, IOWA

Dear Disconnected Parent,

It’s a common concern in today’s digital age, and you’re not alone in feeling this way. Striking a balance between screen time and family time can be challenging, but it’s definitely possible.

Have you heard of the phrase “connection before correction?” I’m a big believer in it. Here are some strategies to help you reconnect with your daughter and manage her screen usage more effectively:

Strategy 1: Rekindle Past Connections

Remind Them of Happy Memories:

1. Revisit Old Activities: Remind your daughter of how she used to love connecting with you as a younger child by asking her to do similar or related activities you used to enjoy together. This can re-ignite happy memories and make her more open to listening to your concerns about her screen time.

2. Create New Traditions: Adapt these activities to suit her current interests and establish new family traditions that can become special for both of you.

Strategy 2: Express Your Feelings and Invite Participation in the Conversation

Communicate Feelings Within a Conversation:

1. Express Your Emotions: Don’t be afraid to tell your daughter that you miss her, miss her presence in the common rooms of the house, and miss the good times you used to have together. This can help her understand the emotional impact of her excessive screen time.

2. Invite Her Input: Ask her if she would like to have more good times together and seek her opinion on how the two of you (and the wider family, if applicable) can create more meaningful moments together.

3. Communicate Openly: Have an open, heart-to-heart conversation with your daughter about your concerns. Explain why you think it’s important to limit screen time and the benefits of engaging in other activities. Listen to her perspective on why she thinks it is important to spend time on her device and try to find a compromise that works for both of you.

Strategy 3: Schedule Quality Family Time

Plan Regular Activities:

1. Create Enjoyable Family Time: Plan regular family activities that everyone can enjoy, like game nights, outdoor adventures, or cooking together. Make these times special and enjoyable to encourage your daughter to participate.

2. Establish Family Rituals: Set up regular tech-free family rituals, like weekly walks or Sunday dinners. These rituals can help strengthen your bond and create a routine that doesn’t involve screens.

3. Encourage Other Interests: Help your daughter discover and develop hobbies or interests that don’t involve screens. This could include sports, music, art, reading, or other activities that she might find engaging and fulfilling.

Strategy 4: Creating Boundaries

1. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish and enforce clear rules about screen time. For example, no devices during meals, homework time, or family activities. Consistency is key, so make sure everyone in the household, including adults, follows these rules.

2. Create Screen-Free Zones: Designate certain areas of your home as screen-free zones, such as the dining room or bedrooms. This can help encourage more face-to-face interactions and ensure that screens don’t dominate every part of your lives.

Strategy 5: Getting Creative While Problem Solving

1. Educational Use: Encourage the use of devices for educational purposes. Find educational games, apps, and programs that can provide both learning and entertainment. This can help shift some screen time towards productive use. If your child likes graphic design, then you could set up a free account of Canva for them to learn a skill while having fun and being creative in choosing designs, playing with color snd fonts, etc.

2. Use Screen Time Management Tools: Many devices have built-in features that allow parents to monitor and limit screen time. Utilize these tools to help manage her usage without having to constantly intervene.

Strategy 6: Getting Support in Navigating New Territory

1. Seek Professional Help if Needed: If you find that your daughter’s screen usage is affecting her school performance, social life, or mental health, consider seeking advice from a professional, such as a counselor or therapist.

Balancing screen time with other aspects of life can be difficult, but with patience and persistence, you can help your daughter develop healthier habits and strengthen your family connection.

Best of wishes,
Santou